I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
