Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
