you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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