You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
And then he peed in my hair
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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