Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
