I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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