got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
