Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
