she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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