Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
