I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
