My liver just broke up with me...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
