guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
