pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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