You just made me feel so damn special
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
