It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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