Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
