he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
