at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
