just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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