dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
