i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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