I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
