the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
