Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
