Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
