My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
