I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
