super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
