tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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