im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i was born a porn star she said
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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