Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
