when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
