she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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