He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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