btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
