did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
