1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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