I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
