Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
