Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
