Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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