If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
