you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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