Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Randomize
