my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
