the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Shame - the story of my life.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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