I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
