Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
