The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
