found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
