some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
if only i could text you this smell
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
