Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
