Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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